Wounds of the Soul Still Bleed
by turquoisefox
Summary: Matthew grieves for a certain someone. Contains spoilers if you haven't finished the Dread Isle chapters. Rating for angst, blood, language, and suicidal behavior.


A/N: My first FE fanfiction! (Unless you count the Super Smash Bros. one that focuses on Marth) Spoiler warnings are in the summary, but I'll repeat, this contains spoilers if you haven't finished the Dread Isle chapters. 

  
  


Disclaimer: Fire Emblem is copyright Nintendo and Intelligent Systems. I do not own anything mentioned here, although I do own my GBA and some games. Oh, and the CD player I'm listening to right now.

  
  


Warnings: Also listed in summary, but here they are again-death, angst, language, and self-destructive behavior. 

  
  


A cold wind blew across the grounds of Castle Ostia, gently scattering dead leaves in all directions. Clouds blocked the sun, coloring the sky a pale, clear gray. It was the perfect atmosphere for gloom and despair, which is what the young man felt as he pulled his cloak tightly around himself. Matthew hastened toward the castle's cemetery, hoping no one would notice him. The last thing he wanted was sympathy.

  
  


The gate to the cemetery was unlocked, as usual. Matthew pushed it aside, hearing the familiar creak. He'd been coming here every day since the incident with the Black Fang. He briefly looked ahead, scanning the graves of Ostian royalty and heroes before focusing on one in particular. "Leila...." he whispered, kneeling and placing a handful of flowers below the headstone. Silent tears trickled down his cheek and fell onto the soft ground. He kissed his fingertips and gently stroked the hard, cold rock of the tombstone. "I miss you so much..."

  
  
  
  


***Matthew's POV****

Leila, I don't know how long it's been since that day those Black Fang bastards took you from me. It feels like yesterday, like a wound that's still fresh despite the passage of time. My anger hasn't subsided, either. I don't care if he betrayed the Black Fang and joined our side, I can never forgive Jaffar for what he did to you. At first, I wanted to slit his throat, but I knew that's not what you would have wanted.

I hope you didn't feel much pain and passed from this live peacefully. You died bravely, in service to House Ostia. In all of our minds, you're a hero. Lord Uther even permitted you to be laid to rest among past rulers and heroes. To think that I considered burying you on that wretched island! 

When I first saw you, propped against that tree and covered in blood, I refused to believe you were gone. Even when it became obvious that you were not breathing, I still somehow foolishly hoped for a miracle. I thought if only you would open your eyes, this could all be forgotten. I was ready to fight, to avenge you. It took all the self-control I had not to run into Dragon's Gate, yelling and slashing. Somehow, I managed to concentrate on the battle instead, but after it was all over, I had the whole trip back to the continent to think of you. I had decided not to bury you on the island, and carried you into the cargo hold. I couldn't bear to leave you alone down there. For almost the entire voyage, I sat beside you, holding your hand or cradling your head. I just couldn't accept it. I almost expected to laugh at me, delighted with your prank.

No matter how cold your hands became, or how your face paled, I couldn't bring myself to admit that we would never talk again or walk together in the orchards, or listen to Lord Hector yell at us for stealing food from the kitchens. I would give anything even to argue with you one more time. 

I remember on that sorrowful voyage, I did have company. Young Lord Eliwood of Pherae sat at the other side of the cargo hold for the entire trip, silently keeping a vigil over his deceased father. He grieved as I did, and both of us respected the other's need to mourn alone. I don't think we exchanged a single word the whole time. My full attention was focused on you anyway. I don't know how much I cried, but it doesn't matter to me. No amount of tears could bring you back to me. I couldn't eat, and drank little. The only thing I felt capable of was burying my face in your tunic and sobbing. To me, your body wasn't just a corpse, it was you, and all I had left of you. I held you tightly. I don't know how I managed to let go. My Leila....

  
  


It's over now, nothing but memories held inside my mind. Yet the memories will never fade. I'd rather forget some of the things that have happened throughout the course of my life, but I cannot forget you. You meant so much to me, and now I can never tell you. Why did this happen? Now you're gone, and I'm left with my grief and my regret.

  
  


Yes, I said regret. The life of a spy is a dangerous one, and one day I hoped the two of us could leave it behind and start a new one together. If only you hadn't been found out, or if you had to be, if only the Black Fang had shown you mercy! I had planned to ask for your hand in marriage. I had fantasies of a normal life for us, with a home and children. I think you would have liked that. Black Fang, what a perfect name for them, with their black hearts! The only solace I have is the knowledge that they got what they deserved. Thanks to them, I never got the chance to tell you I loved you. I wonder, did you know already?

  
  


Nothing's been the same since I lost you, Leila. I don't know if I can ever feel joy again. I pretend everything is fine, and no one knows how much pain I feel. I must put on this act in order to do my job. Everyone thinks I've healed, but in truth, my wounded soul still bleeds. I'm not sure how much longer I can live without you. I can never love anyone again because I feel like it would be an insult to your memory. Day by day, somehow I manage to wake and go about my life despite my broken heart. People have tried to give me comfort, but it doesn't help. Sometimes, when the pain becomes unbearable, I feel as though I don't even want to live anymore. Yet somehow I cannot bring myself to take my own life. You would not want that, I know. *****

  
  


Matthew sighed heavily, and unsheathed his dagger. He slowly drew the blade across his palm, cutting just deep enough to draw blood. Wincing from the sharp pain, he watched quietly as his blood trickled off his hand and fell to the ground. He hoped it would be absorbed into the grave, so a part of him could be with Leila.

  
  


***Matthew's POV****

I don't know why I do this. Somehow, the pain from the blade numbs the pain of my soul. In a strange way, it provides comfort, as if my sorrow is released from my veins along with the blood. I watch it drip and think of you, covered in blood as well. I want to shake the image, but can't. Inflicting pain upon myself is also a sort of punishment. I'm furious with myself. I think, if only I could have been there, I could have protected you. If I had been there with you, perhaps I could have saved you from your fate, and you would still be here with me. I may never forgive myself for what happened. I feel like it's somehow my fault. If only I could have been there for you, my love. If only I could have told you I loved you. If only....

  
  


*****

Tired and overcome with grief, Matthew lay his head on the ground, sobbing. He felt the cool earth against his cheek, knowing that Leila lay just below him. He sniffled, receiving slight comfort from this thought. He closed his eyes and let exhaustion overcome him. Matthew wrapped himself in his cloak and fell into a deep sleep.

  
  


At that time, Hector and Eliwood passed by, talking and joking. Eliwood said something and smirked, and Hector chased after him. Eliwood dashed through the open cemetery gate, Hector trying to grab hold of him. Suddenly, he stopped and stared.

  
  


"Hey! Chasing you is no fun if you're just going to stand there!" Hector complained, grabbing his friend in a headlock.

  
  


"No, Hector, look!" Eliwood hissed, pointing at Matthew lying on the ground beside a grave. "Is he all right?"

  
  


"Oh no, Matthew, not again," Hector murmured. "He does this sometimes. He sits at her grave for hours sometimes."

  
  


"It's Leila's, isn't it?" Eliwood asked.

  
  


"Aye, he loved her," Hector replied. "It's getting cold, and I fear a storm is coming. We can't leave him out here." He lifted Matthew without waking him, and turned back in the direction of the castle with Eliwood following closely. "I just hope one day he'll be able to feel joy again.

******

Did you enjoy? I don't feel like this is my best fanfiction, but I really wanted to write this. Review and let me know if you want a tragic alternate ending where Matthew commits suicide.


End file.
